Confessions

Here it is: My Clothes Don’t Fit.

How stupid is that.

Food. It is the delicious bane of my existence. I cannot seem to find a balance between eating for nourishment and eating for pleasure. My weakness is sweet foods. Anything that has sugar or is a derivative of sugar I become attached to the point where I will eat it until it runs out or I become sick. A part of me knows that this is not proper behaviour. Another part of me can’t quit until an extreme has been reached. I wrestle and war with myself but it seems like the cravings always win.

If it’s not bread or baked goods, it’s pretzels (which is a kind of baked good but a different category for me than, say, a muffin), if it’s not pretzels it’s cheese, if it’s not cheese it’s chocolate, if it’s not chocolate, it’s popcorn. I just can’t seem to dismiss them if they are around me. It is a battle of wills.

A few nights ago I went to Raw: Almond, a pop-up restaurant located on the river at The Forks, a locally well-known spot where the Red and Assiniboine rivers meet. We sat on fur-covered tree stumps and ate seven courses of the most top-quality, delicious foods I have ever had the pleasure of tasting. It was an amazing experience and, dare I say it, a life-altering meal.

Here it is: I am fat. Not just a ‘lose 20 pounds and it will all be fine’ fat or a ‘curvy and voluptuous’ fat, or a ‘strong but hefty’ fat. No, it is an actual ‘out of shape, flabby and exhausted’ fat. I overeat edible food-like substances and I hardly ever would call myself active (much to my chagrin).

I try. There are periods of time where I try SO hard to change. I go for walks, I eat salads, I do whatever I can to lose weight but then I derail myself by allowing others to control my actions. Whether it’s a derivative look from another human, time constraints, biological urges, holiday ‘treats’, etc. it seems that this life I live is designed to work against me.

It’s combat. It’s war. It’s battles. It’s a fight.

It’s stupid.

I am opting out. There has got to be something better. This is my public declaration that I am taking control of the wheel. Leaving it up to forces other than myself has not worked. The plans of others has left me stagnate and exhausted. Instead of holding it all in, I  am going to pour it out. The positives, the negatives, everything.

So here goes.

Look & Listen

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I’m sure I sound like a broken record but I really cannot believe how fast the days fly by. Have you ever felt like the hours whiz past you and before you know it, it’s 4 days later and you’re not quite sure how you got there?

It’s a constant struggle for me to stay mindful and really experience the present moment. There is always something ‘else’ going on. The baby needs something, my husband needs something, my parents, my sister, my friends.

This month in particular is pretty brutal when it comes to time being sucked in a whirlwind. This last week alone I’ve prepped for two parties and co-hosted one, spent hours baking and driving and planning for more gatherings. It’s really quite ridiculous but I love this time of year all the same.

This is why I treasure my time outdoors right now more than ever! The fresh air helps me breathe deeply and the exercise I get from roaming my little corner of the world allows me to truly focus on whatever my mind.

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This is a type of post that I truly love and want to do more of. A post of observances and appreciation. Of stopping in my tracks to really notice bits and pieces of the world around me and sharing those pieces.

So, without further ado, here are five things I have to appreciate this week.

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1) The crunch crunch crunch sound of snow underfoot. It’s a sound that is totally unique to a snow globe world.

2) When the wind whips up a recent dusting of snow and swirls it around, creating a sparkly little funnel cloud.

3) Tis the season of lights! Walking outside after 5pm means being in the dark but every day more houses are being adorned with pretty coloured lights, and other cute decorations, that create a most cheerful atmosphere.

4) The last street lamp at the edge of town throws it’s light only so far. Although I know what lies beyond in the dark, it’s fun to pretend the unseen world is an eerie mystery.

5) The dizzying shimmer of snow in the lamp light or sun. I swear, it sparkles like a field of diamonds!

Brisk

Monday October 27, 2014

Temperature: 4*C (39*F)

Goal time to spend outside: 16 minutes (goal achieved)

Noticing the brights today instead of the darks.

Noticing the brights today instead of the darks.

Today is the start of a cold snap in this area. Gone are the balmy, sunny days of yore and enter the brisk, chilly air that brings hints of winter.

A strong west wind blew in my face the whole way to the end of the avenue. My hands were pretty cold and got rather stiff while gripping the stroller handle and I was berating myself for not wearing gloves, however I honestly didn’t think it was that cold outside. But I was doubly glad I had the protective cover over the stroller to help keep the baby warm.

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This corner of the world is now pretty barren except for shocks of yellow scattered randomly around town. Happily though, I didn’t feel forlorn with the grey skies at all. The sharp air woke me up, made me move faster and brought some colour into my cheeks. I know a lot of people here don’t like this time of year and I admit I don’t appreciate the thought of snow before Halloween (those poor kids in snow suits over their Halloween costumes!) but I love bundling up and appreciate the brisk air before the snow comes and it gets REALLY cold.

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Saturdays

Saturday October 25, 2014

Temperature: 13*C (55*F)

Goal time to spend outside: 15 minutes (goal reached)

Ahhh, a relaxing Saturday morning! That’s pretty rare in my family.

So this morning Little C and I went for a walk while Big C vacuumed the house (I think he just didn’t want to put pants on. What is it with boys and their dislike of wearing pants in the house? Is it really that comfy? What if you get cold? It’s crazy.)

It was such a bright, sunny day and there was no cloud in the sky but the temperature gauge said it was a bit on the chilly side so we bundled the baby up and I put on my short black trench coat over my ratty sweat pants and tank top, and wound my plaid scarf around my neck and hit the road with the baby in the stroller.

Which is when I promptly turned around and walked back to the garage to get the plastic thingy that goes over the stroller to protect the baby from the elements. It was freaking windy! A strong westerly wind created a lot of chilly resistance all the way down the avenue. I was huffing and puffing, lamenting my out-of-shapeness when suddenly it was time to turn around and head home.

All of the sudden the resistance was gone, the chilly air was gone, the walk turned incredibly pleasant!  I took off the plastic thingy and rolled it up to stuff in the stroller basket. I took off my jacket and stuffed that in the basket as well. I don’t think I can adequately describe how pleasant the day had become. It seemed a lot warmer than 13*C, it almost seemed like summer weather! Okay, not really. But I even debated taking my scarf and cardigan off.

Just goes to show how awesome it can be outside when it’s sunny with mild temps and you’re out of the wind’s way. I hope whoever is reading this has a lovely day, and may the wind be at your back!

A Twilight Stroll

Wednesday October 22, 2014

Temperature: 15*C (59*F)

Goal time to spend outside: 15 minutes (goal reached)

This morning there has been 3 shootings in Ottawa, at Parliament Hill. It was quite a blow to my mind and it disrupted my whole day (I kept walking around as if I was were covered in fog and checking the news periodically). I always consider Canada to be so safe, so internationally inconsequential. At least that’s what we’re always told we are, compared to the U.S. I actively don’t read the news (at least not very often) because all it showcases is negative behaviour and I just don’t need that in my house. Maybe I do bury my head in the sand, but I really didn’t think the state of our nation was in such disarray.

Shows what I know, eh?

Last Light

Last Light

Anyways, it was another breezy day and after Big C came home I took Peggy Sue out for another short walk. The days are growing noticeably shorter now and by 6:30pm it is twilight. We started out just as the sky was turning pink with the last rays of the sun but it was hard for me to appreciate nature’s beauty because I was so distracted. Although I did manage to look up from my phone for a few minutes to try and capture the beautiful line of pink and blue meeting together in the twilight sky.

Finally on our way back to the house a big gust of wind rustled all the trees in the neighbourhood and someone gunned their car so the motor practically shook the ground and I was reminded to PAY ATTENTION to what I was doing.

By the time we reached our block twilight had set and the earth was covered in The Shadow, not bright but not black. It seemed eerie and otherworldly and yet, strangely, very peaceful. Everything was quiet and I felt calm.

All of the sudden a small moving figure crossed our path, trotting toward our yard.

A cat!

Peggy Sue ran after it and I was dragged the rest of the way home.

I Go Out Walkin’

Friday October 17, 2014

Temperature: 5*C (41*F)

Goal amount of time spent outside: 14 minutes (goal reached)

Autumn Colour Love

Autumn Colour Love

So today I woke up when my alarm went off at 6am and despite my best intentions the previous night to wake up full of energy and have a go-get-em attitude, I allowed myself to get sucked down the social media rabbit hole and didn’t really start packing the car for our busy day until 8am.

We drove to Rathwell, which is about 30 minutes away, to help decorate the hall for my sister’s wedding reception. After the majority of it was done we whipped back home so Big C could go back to work for the afternoon.

I felt like it was too windy to take Little C out for a walk today, which was really just a cop out because I could have just bundled him up and put up the plastic thingy that is designed to fit over a stroller to protect the baby from wind and rain. Little C WOULD NOT GO TO SLEEP and in hindsight I should have just taken him on the walk and he probably would have just fallen asleep in the stroller. But for some reason I just did not want to make the effort of bundling him up and packing the stroller. So inside we stayed.

After Big C came home I went for a short walk by myself which I was pretty grateful for. I found some peace in the rustling trees and swirling leaves. It was slightly more cooler than yesterday but all I chose to wear to combat the breeze was a colourful summer dress with black leggings, a light sweater and my mom’s jacket, topped with my oh-so-sexy socks and sneakers.

As much as I love my family (and I do, completely and totally with all my heart) I need ‘me’ time. Just to be quiet and think. I don’t thrive in the noise of people, I feel complete only with the sounds of nature. It’s so easy for me to forget this with the busy life we lead and my new son almost never far from my arms.

Day One – Hunky Dory

My little bear cub

My little bear cub

Happiness is finally getting your bearcub to sit still for a picture.

Happiness is finally getting your bearcub to sit still for a picture.

Temperature: 11*C (52*F)

Amount of time spent outside: 14 minutes (goal reached)

This afternoon I’m heading to Winkler to get my nails done with my mom and sister (Saturday is Wedding Day!) so Little C and I went for a walk late this morning. We just went down the street and back, but with the cooler temperature and breeze it was very invigorating! I don’t like to be really warm so I actually prefer the colder months (although I do love my time at the beach). I always feel like I’m going to pass out from heat stroke if I don’t hit some water in warm weather, so for this short walk I wore a t-shirt, light sweater, light scarf and my Mom’s vintage jacket (it’s very well made and preserved so not surprisingly it’s one of the warmest jackets I own and ended up taking it off and stuffing it into the stroller. I thought it was cooler than it actually was!), black leggings and socks with sneakers.

Little C was lightly bundled up in his sleeper, a furry ‘bear’ hooded coat and the cutest white touque I found a while ago at GAP.

I very much enjoyed this short stroll, even with the strong breeze and luckily my tiny bear fell asleep in the stroller and stayed down for his nap! Yes! *Fist pump*