Confessions

Here it is: My Clothes Don’t Fit.

How stupid is that.

Food. It is the delicious bane of my existence. I cannot seem to find a balance between eating for nourishment and eating for pleasure. My weakness is sweet foods. Anything that has sugar or is a derivative of sugar I become attached to the point where I will eat it until it runs out or I become sick. A part of me knows that this is not proper behaviour. Another part of me can’t quit until an extreme has been reached. I wrestle and war with myself but it seems like the cravings always win.

If it’s not bread or baked goods, it’s pretzels (which is a kind of baked good but a different category for me than, say, a muffin), if it’s not pretzels it’s cheese, if it’s not cheese it’s chocolate, if it’s not chocolate, it’s popcorn. I just can’t seem to dismiss them if they are around me. It is a battle of wills.

A few nights ago I went to Raw: Almond, a pop-up restaurant located on the river at The Forks, a locally well-known spot where the Red and Assiniboine rivers meet. We sat on fur-covered tree stumps and ate seven courses of the most top-quality, delicious foods I have ever had the pleasure of tasting. It was an amazing experience and, dare I say it, a life-altering meal.

Here it is: I am fat. Not just a ‘lose 20 pounds and it will all be fine’ fat or a ‘curvy and voluptuous’ fat, or a ‘strong but hefty’ fat. No, it is an actual ‘out of shape, flabby and exhausted’ fat. I overeat edible food-like substances and I hardly ever would call myself active (much to my chagrin).

I try. There are periods of time where I try SO hard to change. I go for walks, I eat salads, I do whatever I can to lose weight but then I derail myself by allowing others to control my actions. Whether it’s a derivative look from another human, time constraints, biological urges, holiday ‘treats’, etc. it seems that this life I live is designed to work against me.

It’s combat. It’s war. It’s battles. It’s a fight.

It’s stupid.

I am opting out. There has got to be something better. This is my public declaration that I am taking control of the wheel. Leaving it up to forces other than myself has not worked. The plans of others has left me stagnate and exhausted. Instead of holding it all in, I  am going to pour it out. The positives, the negatives, everything.

So here goes.

3 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. Well, Caleigh, I know you for the lovely woman, mother, wife and friend that you are, and there are things far worse than not having total control of your love of food. Continue the battle if you must, but sometimes, you will have to pick your battles, and decide “Is this the mountain I want to die on?”

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  2. I feel your pain sister! Sometimes I wonder if a large part of it is genetic. We can change habits though; it’s just incredibly difficult! I’m here supporting you, as always. Don’t forget your beautiful parts “C”! 😉

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